There are MANY cultural differences between China and the US. Too numerous to name, in fact. And unless you have lived here...it's also difficult to explain. From the work place to home life to shopping venues, it's a continuous and often exhausting process to try and bridge those cultural gaps, especially on a daily basis, several times a day.
I have a friend. My chinese friend. I have mentioned her. We often have opportunities to talk, because both of our kids are in the same classroom at school. So, we drive in the same car to/from school. Over the course of our friendship, she has told me a lot about her life, both in China and the few years she lived in the US.
One day, we went to a local cafe to sit and chat for awhile. This cafe is a diamond in the rough in our local community and for expats. It's Chinese run, but is set up like an English tea house and the food is western and actually quite good. It's a wonderful place for us girls to relax and my Chinese friend adores it. While eating western food at the cafe, we often talk about the differences in our more regular eating habits at home, and more specifically the differences in what our kids like to eat. She eats all Chinese food at home and her daughter loves items like dumplings, mushrooms, noodles, fried rice, meats, etc. While mine...are MUCH too picky, I'm afraid.
When we entered the cafe that first day, my friend ordered a bagel and extra cream cheese as well as a coffee. I thought "Hmmm, odd choice.", given the wide variety she had to choose from on the menu. As we have gotten to know one another better, she has divulged many stories about her life. The cultural differences have never seemed more apparent as when I talk to her about her life. And in my friend, I see constant struggle for her. Having lived in the States for 8 years and travelled since she was young, she sees, feels, hears and understands the cultural gap in a way far different than most and especially as a mom and wife. She prefers many philosophies and ideologies she witnessed first hand in the US. But, she is a local born and raised Chinese woman. That, all in itself, is a self explanatory statement. Once she chose to marry her long time sweetheart and settle down here in China, close to her family...her struggle(s) really began. She continually wants to guide her life as a mom and wife, one way (more to the appeals of US philosophy), but her family, spouse and chinese friends think and act very differently.
So, when we met and formed a friendship...I was, at first, baffled by the sense of relief I saw in her when we talked. Then, I realized as time passed, I was ONE person in her world that "gets" her. Not the only one, mind you...but just one more person in a sea of rules, constrictions and obligations she feels forced to follow. Her obligation lies in China, but her heart is in the US. Her trusted "pack" and inner circle guides her, everyday, to follow the traditional Chinese way of doing things.
Last week, when we went to the Fabric Market together, we had a long talk over dumplings. She had been talking about her life and struggles in the US. When she was finally ABLE to get a visa (they are apparently very hard to get) to live in the US, she mentioned how very difficult it had been for her in the beginning. She mentioned how very poor she was and struggled - a lot. One of the things she mentioned she did every single day to get by, was visit Dunkin Donuts. They had a $.99 special for a bagel and coffee. So, she would order a bagel with EXTRA cream cheese, cut in four pieces. She said that Dunkin Donuts is very liberal with the amount of cream cheese on the bagels, so ordering EXTRA was getting a lot. She had them cut it into four pieces because, with the extra cream cheese, she could allocate the number of pieces of her bagel, to eat throughout the day, until her late supper...and it would keep her hunger satisfied. And that's how she lived. So, she was telling me that she orders a bagel and cream cheese wherever she can here in Shanghai because it is reminiscent of that time in her life, and reminds her how far she has come and all that she has to be thankful for in her life now.
She also knows that the bagels in Shanghai aren't as good as in the States, but she still craves them and will order them whenever she can. Well, it just so happens that, as an expat, I was privy to information she wasn't yet aware of...the grand opening of the first Dunkin Donuts here in Shanghai. So, later that week, I told her that when we went back to the Fabric Market to get my blouse, I wanted to take her to lunch somewhere special...it was a surprise.
When the day arrived to return to the Fabric Market, I had also invited my Australian friend to come along. We had another fabulous day at the Fabric Market...SO much fun! It was nice to go somewhere and have a girls day out! After, I secretly told my driver where to go for lunch. He pulled up to the curb and a little ahead of the restaurant, and my chinese friend was looking around wondering WHERE I could be taking her that was a surprise to HER - a native! Then she spotted it...a brand new, shiny, colorful, and clean Dunkin Donuts! She was sooooo happy! She had no idea they had opened one in Shanghai!
We all filed out and entered the restaurant. As we were standing in line to order, excited about which donuts to order, my friend just lost it. She started crying...and crying...and crying. And then she hugged me...and hugged me...and hugged me. It was...release.
Release...as only it can be had at certain times in a woman's life. What I saw, standing next to her, was pure, unadulterated...and beautiful. There were no more cultural walls to climb, no more rules to follow, no more restrictions to set us back. I was looking into the eyes of another woman, pure and simple. Her heart was talking to mine...and that's all it took to bridge the cultural gap that day. She hugged me as fiercely as any women can...and I hugged her right back.
It's hard to imagine life here in China for people who live elsewhere, but especially for a woman. Her upbringing, abiding by a set of harsher rules, then and now...her time in the US, a time for freedom...was there, in her face, standing at Dunkin Donuts.
Freedom is sweet, even if it's obtained poorly. Sort of like...a donut. It's still sweet, no matter how poor you are when you bite into it.
No comments:
Post a Comment