Repatriation

Re-what? Repatriation. About this time of year, all the expat magazines and newsletters come out with some type of article about this. It's important because many of expats forget to actually THINK about going home. We pour a ton of energy to moving over here from our home countries...we sweat over the details of settling in over here...we ride the emotional roller coasters...we work extra hard to save our marriages...we do the appropriate worrying about our kids' growth in a foreign land...we DO IT! However, many of us expats forget one minor detail - and struggle - and that is going home.

Many repatriates advise the rest of us...expatriates who are still here...about the dangers of going home. Apparently, there is a fine line between being here and being here too long. The longer you stay, the harder it is to go back. We have first hand accounts of this as well as have read countless stories about it.

For many expats, the idea of "going home" is a thrilling thought...especially from such a difficult place to live. However, many people tend to gloss over the idea of repatriating to their home countries because they have so many other things to worry about. And when it comes time to actually do it, they are busy with the move, ie the packing, and then the unpacking. It's when they get all settled again in their home countries, they sit back and go "Oh, crap. Now what do I do?"

Why does this happen? For several different reasons, apparently. According to one article in the magazine, Shanghai Family, people don't take the time to take necessary steps to prevent the effects of repatriation. According to this article, it's not just about "going home," it's a process...and it's called repatriation. It's important to recognize it as a process.

Some people don't say goodbye properly to new friends by seeing them a lot before they go, and then they end up missing their new friends fiercely when they return home. Some people expect to move right back into a social setting that they left 2-3 years before. Some people had sold their houses and they don't have a home to go back to, thus creating more upheaval in their lives. Some couples try and separate, having one go first and then the other follows...which often creates marital tension for many different reasons. Some people find it hard to gain their equilibrium after having hired help for so long. There are many reasons why this process is so difficult and it's made clear that the MAIN reason it's hard is because it's not addressed properly by the expats who are going home.

The fact is that the lives people had before they left their home countries, irrevocably change with their move. And when they return, they find that their friends and family have moved on to different things in the few years they had been gone. It just can't be exactly the same. People have babies, get married, change jobs, re-locate, etc. Life moves forward for everyone.

When Allen and I decided to do this, I had mentioned to him that I had moved often enough to know exactly this thing. I KNEW my life before our move to China wouldn't be the same one I would step back into when we returned. That was the saddest part about leaving. Because I was content and happy in our life before this move. And while I know I'm gaining so much more that is indescribable to many people, it doesn't change the fact that there is some sense of loss for the life I left. I can only hope that I'm able to find a new dynamic that makes me just as happy. For example...My friend and neighbor, who I used to "play with" during the day, has gotten a job. Another close friend of mine added a couple of other jobs in addition to her role as mother and wife. Another friend has ensconced herself into additional social activities that has rewarded her with a TON of new friends. Many friends I had before, have children who now go to a separate school than my boys will when we return. What is the reality that I'll be able to "hang out" with these good friends of mine in the same capacity? Slim. So, like moving here...I'll have to once again find a groove that works for me. I'm confidant it will happen, but my question is always...how long will it take? How long will I feel isolated? How long must I suffer the loneliness?

These are always the questions I have when moving to a different place. And it seems, that repatriation won't be much different. I'm glad I'm getting a head's up to this "process" that seems to need to happen, so I can do my very best in trying to prepare for it. I will miss many new friends here and it is always hard to leave friends behind...again, there will be a sense of loss. But, this is a reality for expats. We make friends under, often times, duress. This can be a powerful bond between two people...something only a few people can understand and relate with each other. When we go back home, the reality of these friendships dissolving is out there. However, we always hope that the bonds we have formed will be strong to endure the busy lives we lead when everything is "familiar" once again. Once we are home, life seems to take over...while living here, it seems to stand still. That is quite a difference, my friends!

We don't have to worry about any of this - yet. But, again, I'm glad to be aware of it for down the line. It's an interesting topic and one that comes up quite often over here. Several expats we have met have lived here for so long, they found they couldn't or had no desire to repatriate back home...much to their families disappointment. Is that what happens to many of the Chinese, Korean, Indian, or other foreign people who migrate to the States? Do they stay so long that they no longer desire to return home? I guess I'll never know. But, it is a chance to, perhaps, step into another person's shoes and see it through their eyes for awhile...

Heating Up!

One day it was a little too cold to go without a light jacket...and the next day - BAM! - it's too hot to even wear a short sleeve shirt. Straight to tank tops! Wow...I mean you could see it coming with the spring temperature fluctuations, but I don't think anyone can prepare themselves for such a drastic change which happens literally overnight!

It's hot. And with the warmer weather, the AC units are being turned on throughout our house. However, one tends to forget the amount of CRAP in the air day after day after day. I have a stuffier nose than if I had the flu. I finally figured out that part of the problem is from the air filters in the AC units in our house...from last year's CRAPPY air! Ugh. I ventured to take a look at one of them...and wished I hadn't. There was a pile-up about 1" thick...and we are breathing it! UGH!!!!

So, first thing tomorrow, we will be cleaning our filters! Also with the warmer weather, several moms are sitting in their houses, gazing outside longingly, wishing it was cool enough to take their kids outside. But, nope...too hot already. So, we are all left to find cover and shade in the malls or chance being outside with the kiddos before 9 am. This part of the year really stinks here...literally and figuratively. The smog is sooooo bad already. You can't even see an approaching bridge in it. Disgusting...

My mantra is: Hawaii, Hawaii, Hawaii...only 5 more weeks! It can't come fast enough!

Texting

Before moving to China, I had been one of those people who had never texted - ever. Even when someone would text me, I would call them back. I had felt myself slipping farther and farther down the path of...well..."old." I mean, isn't that what getting older means...when technology begins to surpass your own skill sets? I had heard about national competitions on who could text the fastest? I got upset when some flowers were delivered to me from my dad and had a texted version of his salutations. What was the world coming to for goodness sakes? Texting had replaced shorthand...but, it didn't mean I had to like it. I couldn't even pronounce the word "texting." I sound like a bitter old fart, right? hahaha

Well, that was before I had entered the International community of Shanghai. Texting is not just a choice here...it's sometimes a necessity, if you want to actually communicate with another person from another part of the world. I crashed headlong into the realities and benefits of texting with the very first woman and mom I had met here in Shanghai...a woman originally from Argentina. She had spent some time in the States...and while she thought she had a good handle of the English language...well, I'm still not sure if she actually did or not. She spoke very fast and with a very heavy accent, not to mention her English was, shall we say, stilted...with pieces missing in her sentences and many areas in which I had to extrapolate her meaning. Face to face, I could at least read her lips and body language and have a pretty good handle on what she was trying to say. However, talking to her over the phone was very nearly impossible. That is when I discovered the beauty of texting!

Several months later, I have spoken with many different moms from many different countries and have pursued active friendships with several of them. However, I'm not sure that would have been as easy or even possible without the technology of texting. English is often the second or even third language for many of the women I have met. So, the variety of inflections of the English language in addition to their accents, often make it difficult to communicate via the phone. Hey! I'm just glad they speak English at all! I would really be screwed if they didn't work so hard to speak MY language!

I'm now a bonafide text-ed-er! Is that a word and if so, how in the world do you spell that?? And since I don't have all that fancy phone technology, ie, an iPhone, etc, I find myself developing speedy typing skills as well as the texting language shared by all texters...a.k.a, shorthand via phone. All my friends text. They, too, must have found it an easier way to communicate to each other. Thank goodness for this technology! hahaha

So, if u get a message from me via email & u c a short version, like this, I'm probably writing 2 u from my fone in the car. Actually...I'm texting u! ;-)

Blue too

Oh, Blue. Our poor baby Blue dog. As soon as the weather got warmer, it seemed his paws began to itch. We are not sure if he's developing a late allergy in life or if the landscapers sprayed some kind of toxic chemical on our grass...that our kids also play on...every day.

Anyway, as dogs usually do, he began to lick his wounds. They began to fester. I didn't want to take him to the previous vet we had used because the last thing they had given him made him soooo thirsty, we could barely keep enough water in his bowl. There was definitely something wrong with that and since all the meds were in chinese and the vets could barely speak english...I decided to try and find someone else. So, I did some research and found a vet about an hour away, on the other side of the city...ugh. BUT, he's British...so, that gave me hope.

We trekked on down there and sure enough, Blue has a serious infection on 3 of his 4 paws. That must be soooo uncomfortable! :-( Really serious infections too. We just had a 3 day weekend (labor day here) and his paws had gotten worse exponentially. It got so bad, that the infection stinks to high heaven! You could smell him (or his paws at least) down the hall! Poor, poor Blue!

THIS vet seems to think that the OTHER vet prescribed some kind of steroid the last time...which isn't what he should have been on at all. Grrr. It was nice to be able to actually talk to this vet in english. He sent us home with a medicinal shampoo for his paws, antibiotics, antihistamines, etc. Whew! I threw in a couple of doggie bones and we were on our way home.

I immediately started him on the medicine, washed his paws and put nylon booties on him, so he doesn't have access to lick them. He really hates that. However, I tried to explain to him it's the booties or the collar...and mom really hates the collar. So does he...he just doesn't remember it.

Anyway, I can't wait for the medicine to kick in...not only because it'll make him feel better...but also because the stink will probably go away. Nothing smells worse than festering infection. Yuck!

The bigger picture is...what are they spraying on our grass?? Talk about "yuck!" WHO KNOWS what they are doing! And, of course, it is almost impossible to find out the REAL ingredients of any of the pesticides they use. IF they fess up to using any at all. And, OF COURSE, that throws me into a full loop of other questions...like...Are they spraying something on it? If so, what? Is it toxic? If so, how much? What are the ingredients? Is it safe for humans? If not, how unsafe is it? If they don't use it, will we be getting an infestation of unwanted insects in addition to the unbearably hot weather? Is it possible to even get more eco-friendly or organic pesticides? Where would I start to look for that? Who would I ask? How would I ask?

AAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just another thing to worry about. Hawaii is looking better and better, all the time. Can't wait for a break!

Reality people!

Ok...as much as I try to get around this topic and yes, even in some cases, actually try and ACCEPT it, I can't help but talk about the subject of toilets over here! Toilets, toilets, toilets! I know I'm going to have something like 20 blogs about this in the end. In fact, just going over my previous blogs, I'm proud of myself for abstaining from talking about the subject as much as I have. I definitely have days where I want to SCREAM my frustration about this! Aaaaaggghhhhhhhhhhh!!! Ok, I feel better.

It frustrates me to NO END the level of obscurity the chinese seem to think about their toilet habits...if they even do. So, mostly, they have squat toilets over here. No surprise, right? Does everyone actually knoowww what the proper etiquette is when using squat toilets? First, you are supposed to BRING your own TP (that's important). Second, you're supposed to avoid the puddles of BOTH types of bodily waste while trying to straddle the hole in the ground. Third, it's recommended you have Olympic medals in "squatting." If you don't, well then, you are just s*** out of luck...no pun intended. Fourth, avoid leaving your house at all if you even THINK you might have a nervous colon that day. Fifth, NEVER drop your TP in the toilet because it can't flush it down...so you have to (along with everyone who was there before you) deposit your USED TP in the OPEN trash container to the side of the hole in the ground. Friends...I don't think I have to paint the picture THAT makes! And sixth, but definitely NOT the least, wash your hands with plain water because soap isn't usually provided (Gee...did I forget to put that canister of liquid soap in my purse again?) and then don't forget...try and dry your hands under the luke warm, energy efficient dryer that only works once...before you touch the poop and germ infested door handle on your way out!

THAT is squat toilet procedure. Now, if you're lucky enough to find a "western" toilet...but you happen to find it in a "local" area. Well, that provides a whole other kind of adventure in your day. Again, heaven help you if you forget your own TP! Ahhh, now here's the crux. You feel giddy about finding a western toilet. However, you scramble to find the one little packet you keep in your purse for JUST this emergency. You locate the tissue package at the bottom of your purse, blow off the dust, turn towards the toilet...and realize, you have a choice. You can use your tissue to a) cover the nice western style toilet seat you were so lucky to find or b) actually use the TP for what man had created it for. Why do you have to make this choice?? Because the EMPTY TP containers in ALL the stalls indicate that while TP was originally considered for this toilet area, the implementation of such ingenuity was completely LACKING! Where is the toilet manager???? So, you're back to squatting...only this time, you are using an entirely different set of muscles trying to keep your derriere up and off the icky toilet seat...that, my friends, is a completely different angle to point your backside! And you walk out feeling incredibly lucky if you didn't run out of your little package of TP BEFORE you were done wiping. If you did...haha, well, too bad. When you're done, you're done. And I recommend that ANYONE visiting this city ALWAYS wear underwear. It's not an option...sometimes...it's just a necessity.

Reality...CHECK!

Ok...the only reason I bring this up, is because for some ODD reason, this topic keeps coming up in almost every female social circle I have entered the past couple of weeks. Again, how odd. The first time it was brought up, I was having lunch with two of my chinese speaking friends. I don't remember the context of our direct conversation, but they both agreed that westerners (female) should never leave their western men alone, for long, here in China. Wow. That seemed like a statement...especially coming from Chinese women. They said that many chinese women will stop at nothing to get a western man. It doesn't matter what they look like, etc...they are after a western passport...and all the other "goodies" that come along with snatching up a western man. Whoa...okayyy.

Then, a few days later, I was at a party with all western women and several of the women started speaking about different scenarios of affairs they knew about. Typical woman gossip, right? Many of these expat women had been expats for MANY years and known all sorts of other expat families. They were not shy about giving the details of some of these affairs. Sadly, many of the stories were about western men who had dumped their wives and kids, sent them packing back to their home country and remarried their 'exotic service' chinese massage therapists. Stupid men. Apparently, that happens a lot here. Stupid men. The good news...is that I have found out how many chinese women spurn those "man stealers". One, because those women have stepped away from their culture and acted no better than a slut and two, because these women have purposely broken up marriages to get what they want....which gives them a "black heart." Coincidentally, on this particular evening, I had also heard about a couple of western women having affairs with their drivers because their husbands travelled and worked so much. Some of the drivers know this about the husbands and pay particular attention to their western employers. They end up taking care of them, when their husbands fail to do so. Sad...

I was having dinner with some ladies of a "mixed" crowd recently, and AGAIN, the subject came up...and even MORE stories of how chinese women like to steal western men, and some of them were their own personal stories! Like how a chinese woman was writing love notes to one woman's husband at work, etc.

Then, most recently, I was having lunch with another group of ladies and AGAIN the subject came up! Is it in the air?? Is it a full moon!?? And this time, a couple of them had their own personal stories to tell. Like how one of the women in the group came to Shanghai because her husband was having an affair with a chinese woman. So, she quit her job in her home country (which she didn't want to do in the first place) and joined him to "keep an eye on him." Isn't that crazy!?? What's really incredible is how these women were so candid and open about it all. Like they wanted everyone else to learn from them...or something.

Reality...CHECK!

I guess these are all the "realities" of living here...but some of them are so sad. With a 50% divorce rate in an expats home country...you can add an additional 30% on top of that for expats (that's a real statistic), especially in places so hard to live. Sometimes, both spouses feel like they can go a little crazy with all the pressure they each endure in places like this. Many couples feel like they are damned if the do...or damned if they don't. Just as many couples face divorce when one spouse chooses to stay home and the other chooses to go be an expat somewhere. However, when they both decide to go, each faces their own issues, pressure, challenges and troubles. Many people also face depression...THAT is also a reality. The men work a lot to "escape" or to keep up with the demands of their company and the women slip further away in one way or another. It's so, so sad. But, such a reality. Nobody really ever tells you about this kind of stuff when you are considering moving to a place like this. This is the kind of stuff you just have to "learn the hard way." Like an initiation of sorts. Maybe that's what separates the levels of expats... or number of years you've been one. Experience.

Well, you can rest easy...Allen and I have come a loooonngggg way since when we first landed on this planet. We are closer than ever in our relationship. Go figure...all we had to do to get to this place between us...is move to China. Ha!

My Birthday!

My birthday this year started a little early. The boys wanted to help celebrate by taking me out to dinner the night before. A friend had purchased a cake for me, so we brought it to the restaurant with us...the boys were happy. Ryan was thrilled he was partaking of "Mommy's party." When we arrived home, there was one of the most beautiful bouquets of flowers sitting in one of my vases, on our kitchen table. Who put it there? Allen swears it wasn't him...so who could have done it?


It turns out our ayi had left them for me after we left the house for my b-day dinner. They are SO beautiful and I'm so touched by her gift. It was really sweet and I made sure to [try and] tell her so. Another surprise came the morning of my birthday. Our driver presented me with a bottle of wine. I also thought that was very sweet and thoughtful for him to do. I don't even know how he knew it was my b-day.


The boys all woke me up with sweet cards. Both of the kids had drawn cards for me and Brandon had written a sweet note. Ahhhhh... A perfect morning for my b-day! Dad ended up taking the kids to school for me as I waited patiently for his return. He took the day off to surprise me all day long! Wow! How sweet is that!? :-) Upon his return, he presented me with 29 roses...a symbol of everlasting love for the chinese. Aaaawwww....



First, he took me to a place I had, quite literally, forgotten about...the Shanghai Geological Museum. It was FANTASTIC!! After arriving in Shanghai, I had wanted to check it out for several months. But, for a couple of different reasons, I kind of forgot about it's existence. Allen was SO thoughtful in remembering about it and taking me there for my b-day! The true gift, however, was the fact that my husband actually seemed interested the whole time. Wow...what a guy! ;-) The museum really was great. Being a little farther out of the city, I had initially thought it might be a shack with some rocks in it. However, as with many museums here in Shanghai, it turned out to be a stunning display...this one of rock specimens, geology and paleontology. It was FABULOUS and SO wonderful for me to see!




Allen then took me out for a healthy lunch, which is always nice to have here in Shanghai. And then we proceeded to our 5-star hotel. After checking in, Allen sent me off to the hotel's LUXURIANT spa for a 90-minute Balinese massage. It felt SOOOO great! When I was done, he treated me to a wonderful all-you-can-eat seafood buffet at a nearby hotel. YUMMM-MY!

Upon returning to our own hotel, a b-day cake was delivered to our room! YUM-MY! Both of us relaxed over a drink in the lounge and called it a night after that! It really was a fantastic day and I'm SO appreciative to Allen for providing me with such a wonderful b-day!

What about the kids, you ask?? Both kids were in school all day. Allen made all the arrangements for the day. The ayi and driver picked up the boys from school, took them home and got them fed. A good girlfriend of mine volunteered to take the boys for the night. How wonderful is that!? The boys ask me about 10 times a day to go over to this person's house, so you can imagine how excited they were when they discovered they were having a "sleep over." They were THRILLED! And we found out the next day that they had a great time!

SO, I had a wonderful and relaxing birthday...thanks to my loving hubby! A girl can't ask for more...now can she?! :-)

Strange week

This is a week filled with activities! A close friend of mine, who is Chinese, is celebrating her birthday two days before I celebrate mine. In addition...I was invited to go to a jewelry party with another friend, I'm organizing a good-bye lunch for someone else and on behalf of my friend and myself, I'm trying to organize a ladies night out to celebrate our birthdays with mutual friends.

Back home, this kind of activity filled week would be a piece of cake. However, when dealing with international women, you never know what will happen...which can be frustrating.

To top it all off, I have been feeling very introspective lately...and scared for reasons I'm not willing to disclose at the moment. So, all in all, this is turning out to be a very weird and strange week...emotionally.

I was thrilled to be invited to the jewelry party, since I haven't seen a "product" party since arriving here and wasn't sure if they even existed or were possible. So, with a light heart, I attended this party on the arm of a girlfriend. It turns out the entire group of women at this house, including the hostess, are British...with the exception of two New Zealanders and one Australian (my friend). Normally, this wouldn't have been an issue. However, this particular group were SO unfriendly and very clickish! I'm pretty good at socializing and I actually had to work HARD throughout the evening to even be included in their "group" discussions...and that was only after they were drinking glasses of wine all night. Even my girlfrind found companionship with the New Zealanders in the room, in which I officially felt left out after that. They talked about joining musical instrument clubs together (instruments apparently specific to that region of the world). So, I was left to look at the same jewelry over and over again just for something to do. Hell, I even booked a party of my own just for something else to do! It was pathetic and I wanted to leave about 20 minutes after arriving. Like I said, I actually made an gargantuan effort to socialize, ie, asking people questions, giving my input whenever possible...to little or no effect. It was a very frustrating evening and it reminded me of all the "crap" I hate about clickish women back home. PAL-EASE! What's worse, is that these women's children go to BISS, the school Brandon will be attending next year. I sure hope I find friendlier women than this group next year...but one never knows in an International community.

I have been putting in an effort to organize at least three different events this week...a spa day for my friend's b-day, a good-bye lunch and the big b-day ladies night out. All three events are turning out to be almost more trouble than it was worth to organize. When dealing with different cultures, there are some "allowances" you have to expect. But even knowing that, it doesn't mean it's any less frustrating when things don't go as smoothly as you know they would back home. I'm a planner...everyone who knows me, knows that. So, organizing events are ususally no trouble at all...it's what I do. Well, it's just not the same over here and I'm trying to decide how often I want to keep trying to do it. I don't have an answer to that...yet.

My friend who is celebrating her b-day, is Chinese. She, normally, doesn't get to do anything fun on her b-day...so I decided to take her out...expat style. I had planned to do things that are meant to "pamper". Having planned a spa day of sorts, there were a few activities that required appointments. My chinese friend didn't seem to understand this as she was "running late" from the get go. If I had known she had certain obligations before meeting me that day, I would have considered it when making the appointments. I wish there wasn't such a failure to communicate with just about, anyone chinese. All day, I had no idea if she liked the activities - or not. And the frustrating thing about it, is she would never tell me she would have rather done something else or eaten somewhere else...even though THIS friend I always think I can count on to "not be so Chinese." Hmmm...guess not.

I have been working with the school in organizing a good-bye lunch for a fellow parent from school. She has been extremely helpful in her volunteer efforts as a Class Parent. I'm the Class Parent Coordinator. So, I had approached the principal and asked if the school was willing to give all the Class Parents some sort of token gift for their efforts. The school responded enthusiastically and asked me to coordinate what to give them and where to find it. So, I did. I had found an appropriate gift and the school said they would take over the ordering and purchasing of it. Great! However, I found out today that their purchaser was just now in the process of having some words embroidered onto the shirts of the panda bears. Ok, normally that would be fine...but I was very specific that I, personally, wanted to give this Class Parent her gift, especially since I had organized everything weeks ago and made sure I communicated that I wanted at least ONE finished for this person for her good-bye lunch. The school had said "no problem." I find out that the principal wants to hand it to her and had purposefully delayed the process to do it on a day convenient for her. A day she knew I wouldn't be able to be at school, which happens to the very last day this Class Parent will be at school before she moves. Grrr. Talk about taking credit! I could hardly believe it! What really galls me about this is that I have worked very hard to coordinate these parents all year long, having wanted to give up the position many times since it was very demanding on my time. But, I didn't and I was totally railroaded by the principal! SO frustrating! Grrr.

I had organized a "mutual" b-day party and invited some friends for dinner and drinks on the weekend. Between the both of us, there were at least twenty people on the invite list. If nobody was able to come, that would have been fine. But, what I find extremely frustrating is the chinese efforts to "save face." What this means, is that they either can't come or don't want to, but instead of saying so, they insinuate they'll be able to make it and the closer the day of the event, one-by-one, they drop out for one reason or another. And the reason(s) are always "sudden." Like...my husband left this morning out of town and I have no idea when he'll be back. Really?? No idea?? Or...we have been [suddenly] invited to a wedding this weekend and my husband thinks we should go. Wow...really? A two day advance notice on a wedding?? It's SO frustrating! I actually don't even need or want a reason they don't want to or can't make it...just as long as they could tell me this upfront. This whole "process" is really ridiculous. And this "process" was confirmed by a chinese friend, which she happens to find frustrating as well. So, it's not my imagination! Initally, I told the restaurant to reserve a table for a certain number...and I think that number will be cut by more than half by the time of the event. Cultural differences...can be SO frustrating!

So...it's been a really weird week for me. Even after people have settled into this expat thing here in China, they still admit to having "bad China days." I can relate. Although, this is turning out to be a frustrating China week.